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Paola1087
2019年8月21日

  • 西班牙語 (墨西哥)
  • 英語 (美國)
有關 英語 (美國) 的問題

Hi guys, can you please help me correct this text? Thank you

2. Recent actual text 2.2.
Is it an irrefutable fact that traditional cultures are dissappearing due to the technological breakthoughs, or conversely, are the traditions becoming stronger? There are divergent views on this issue.
On the one hand, what concerns the detractors is the fact that many traditions are becoming lost. it is crystal clear that never before have we seen such a spur of technology. Not only has it changed our lifestyles, but also on many occasions technological devices has reached inhospitABLE places. Albeit, technology has a myriad of advantages, it can also BE counterproductive. For instance, were an indigenous place receive many holidaymakes, it is highly likely that with this interaction, the natives would start to be more interested in technological advancements, inasmuch as seldom do we see that tourists carry neither a camera nor a mobile phone.
On the other hand, the supporters of technology deem that the loss of traditions has nothing to do with technology. The reason they claim that is because there are many places where in spite of having technological advances at reach, the natives strive to preserve their traditions. Not only do they teach new generations about their principles, but they also use the technology to foster their ethnocycracy. Should a person yearn to learn a native language, they can consult many websites, where an array of information is available. Furthermore, nowadays we can see ecotourism, whose pillar is to promote tourism that increaseS awareness of respecting and acknowledging the traditions of aborigenes. Were a person to be aware of THE paramount importance of the preservation of traditions, he would favor the vacation packages UPON WHICH sustainability is taken into consideration.
In conclusion, I would say that there is no doubt about the changes that have undergone many cultures. Notwithstanding, it is imperative that we are endeavored to conserve the traditions. The more informed newer generations are about their customs, the longer they would prevail.

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weepopstar
2019年8月21日

  • 英語 (美國)

Ok, first of all... I know it's tempting to use a lot of the new phrases, and what we call "ten cent words", that you've learnt, to show how many new words/phrases that you now know, but it actually doesn't help with the readability of the paper or essay. It's a common thing for students to do this, because it helps make a paper longer, but they're really unnecessary¹. The word in English for this is "verbose" (or "wordy").

¹Unless you are writing for an IETLS exam, then, by all means - have fun!


OK, that aside...


Is it an irrefutable fact that traditional cultures are dissappearing* (you need some sort of punctuation here, maybe a semi colon...) due to technological breakthroughs, or conversely, are traditions becoming stronger? There are divergent views on this issue.


*On one hand* (idiom), what concerns the detractors* (detractors of what?) is the fact that many traditions are becoming lost. (eh? change this. "becoming lost doesn't exactly work well here.) It is crystal clear, that never before have we seen such a *spur of technology* (eh? I don't understand what you are trying to say).

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weepopstar
2019年8月21日

  • 英語 (美國)
Not only has it changed our lifestyles (what does this have to do with traditional cultures?) I think you need to include something about how you are defining "traditional cultures" or "culture"... , but also on many occasions technological devices have reached inhospitable places. (??) **Don't be afraid to explain what you mean by using examples. ** Albeit** (doesn't work, use: although or despite), technology's myriad of advantages (you should list some of them here), it can also be counterproductive. For example, were an indigenous place (must define what you are referring to), (not American English= receive holidaymakers), **it is highly likely this interaction the natives would start to be more interested in technological advancements, inasmuch as seldom do we see that tourists carry neither a camera nor a mobile phone.* (👈 rewrite this for clarity). On the other hand, supporters of technology * deem* ( eh, need a better word choice) that the loss of traditions (whose? what are they?) have nothing to do with technology. The reason that they claim this is because there are many places, where in spite of having technological advances, the natives are still able to preserve their traditions. (Examples work here, who does this?) Not only do they teach new generations about their *principles* (eh? else principles, you were discussing traditions), but they also use the technology to foster their ethnocycracy (say what?). Should a person yearn* (wrong word choice) to learn a native language (what is a native language?), *they can consult many websites, where an array of information is available* (this doesn't work, it sounds like ... a brochure. Sorry, ... I would rewrite this... Something like: They can consult websites that specialize in those languages... etc., etc. . Furthermore, nowadays** (**informal) we can see ecotourism, *whose pillar** (what?) is to promote tourism that increases awareness of *respecting and acknowledging the traditions of aborigenes* (that's not what ecotourism is, eco = ecology, the environment. Also, you haven't mentioned aboriginals before, and not all indigenous peoples are referred to as aboriginals, usually just the Australian continent, or it's used in a local sense, Aboriginal Alaskans, but really it's mostly used for Aboriginals in Alaska. Were a person to be aware of the paramount importance of the preservation of traditions, he would favor the vacation packages UPON WHICH sustainability is taken into consideration. (sustainability and preserving indigenous culture aren't the same thing, unless you narrowly define the specifics... A burial site, an area for religious ceremonies, etc.) In conclusion, I would say that there is no doubt about the changes that have undergone many cultures. (It's better to leave off personal pronouns in an essay unless you the assignment was: What do you personally think of x, y , z.... ** Notwithstanding, it is imperative that we are endeavor to conserve the traditions.* (ten cent words/ too verbose). The more informed *newer generations* (eh?) are about their customs, the longer they would prevail.

Not only has it changed our lifestyles (what does this have to do with traditional cultures?)
I think you need to include something about how you are defining "traditional cultures" or "culture"...


, but also on many occasions technological devices have reached inhospitable places. (??) **Don't be afraid to explain what you mean by using examples. **


Albeit** (doesn't work, use: although or despite), technology's myriad of advantages (you should list some of them here), it can also be counterproductive. For example, were an indigenous place (must define what you are referring to), (not American English= receive holidaymakers), **it is highly likely this interaction the natives would start to be more interested in technological advancements, inasmuch as seldom do we see that tourists carry neither a camera nor a mobile phone.* (👈 rewrite this for clarity).

On the other hand, supporters of technology * deem* ( eh, need a better word choice) that the loss of traditions (whose? what are they?) have nothing to do with technology. The reason that they claim this is because there are many places, where in spite of having technological advances, the natives are still able to preserve their traditions. (Examples work here, who does this?) Not only do they teach new generations about their *principles* (eh? else principles, you were discussing traditions), but they also use the technology to foster their ethnocycracy (say what?). Should a person yearn* (wrong word choice) to learn a native language (what is a native language?), *they can consult many websites, where an array of information is available* (this doesn't work, it sounds like ... a brochure. Sorry, ... I would rewrite this... Something like:
They can consult websites that specialize in those languages... etc., etc.

. Furthermore, nowadays** (**informal) we can see ecotourism, *whose pillar** (what?) is to promote tourism that increases awareness of *respecting and acknowledging the traditions of aborigenes* (that's not what ecotourism is, eco = ecology, the environment. Also, you haven't mentioned aboriginals before, and not all indigenous peoples are referred to as aboriginals, usually just the Australian continent, or it's used in a local sense, Aboriginal Alaskans, but really it's mostly used for Aboriginals in Alaska. Were a person to be aware of the paramount importance of the preservation of traditions, he would favor the vacation packages UPON WHICH sustainability is taken into consideration. (sustainability and preserving indigenous culture aren't the same thing, unless you narrowly define the specifics... A burial site, an area for religious ceremonies, etc.)


In conclusion, I would say that there is no doubt about the changes that have undergone many cultures. (It's better to leave off personal pronouns in an essay unless you the assignment was: What do you personally think of x, y , z....

** Notwithstanding, it is imperative that we are endeavor to conserve the traditions.* (ten cent words/ too verbose).

The more informed *newer generations* (eh?) are about their customs, the longer they would prevail.

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Hi guys, can you please help me correct this text? Thank you 2. Recent actual text 2.2. Is it an irrefutable fact that traditional cultures are dissappearing due to the technological breakthoughs, or conversely, are the traditions becoming stronger? There are divergent views on this issue. On the one hand, what concerns the detractors is the fact that many traditions are becoming lost. it is crystal clear that never before have we seen such a spur of technology. Not only has it changed our lifestyles, but also on many occasions technological devices has reached inhospitABLE places. Albeit, technology has a myriad of advantages, it can also BE counterproductive. For instance, were an indigenous place receive many holidaymakes, it is highly likely that with this interaction, the natives would start to be more interested in technological advancements, inasmuch as seldom do we see that tourists carry neither a camera nor a mobile phone. On the other hand, the supporters of technology deem that the loss of traditions has nothing to do with technology. The reason they claim that is because there are many places where in spite of having technological advances at reach, the natives strive to preserve their traditions. Not only do they teach new generations about their principles, but they also use the technology to foster their ethnocycracy. Should a person yearn to learn a native language, they can consult many websites, where an array of information is available. Furthermore, nowadays we can see ecotourism, whose pillar is to promote tourism that increaseS awareness of respecting and acknowledging the traditions of aborigenes. Were a person to be aware of THE paramount importance of the preservation of traditions, he would favor the vacation packages UPON WHICH sustainability is taken into consideration. In conclusion, I would say that there is no doubt about the changes that have undergone many cultures. Notwithstanding, it is imperative that we are endeavored to conserve the traditions. The more informed newer generations are about their customs, the longer they would prevail.
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