Question
更新於
2019年10月2日
- 俄語
-
英語 (英國)
有關 英語 (英國) 的問題
Dear native speakers! Please, check the verse and chorus of my song. I have a ready melody for my song, so i have to observe limited number of syllables.
Maybe there're some grammatical mistakes, problems (sounds distasteful), please tell them:
Verse
Waiting for more perfect time,
Waiting for myself.
I'm staying on the evil’s side,
Wearing a dress of hell.
Chorus:
Play with mind
And go on.
Be so tired.
Seem alive.
Verse
Thinking back of my past -
Be a loving child.
Eating my dreaming pie.
Make my fictitious life.
Chorus:
Play with mind
Not so blind.
Bridge
I will lock the fear
And close myself
Behind the dark door.
Verse
Trying to memorize,
Want to change my fate.
Nobody hears this cry -
I can't even wait.
Chorus:
I will lie.
Count the days.
Alive.
Dear native speakers! Please, check the verse and chorus of my song. I have a ready melody for my song, so i have to observe limited number of syllables.
Maybe there're some grammatical mistakes, problems (sounds distasteful), please tell them:
Verse
Waiting for more perfect time,
Waiting for myself.
I'm staying on the evil’s side,
Wearing a dress of hell.
Chorus:
Play with mind
And go on.
Be so tired.
Seem alive.
Verse
Thinking back of my past -
Be a loving child.
Eating my dreaming pie.
Make my fictitious life.
Chorus:
Play with mind
Not so blind.
Bridge
I will lock the fear
And close myself
Behind the dark door.
Verse
Trying to memorize,
Want to change my fate.
Nobody hears this cry -
I can't even wait.
Chorus:
I will lie.
Count the days.
Alive.
Maybe there're some grammatical mistakes, problems (sounds distasteful), please tell them:
Verse
Waiting for more perfect time,
Waiting for myself.
I'm staying on the evil’s side,
Wearing a dress of hell.
Chorus:
Play with mind
And go on.
Be so tired.
Seem alive.
Verse
Thinking back of my past -
Be a loving child.
Eating my dreaming pie.
Make my fictitious life.
Chorus:
Play with mind
Not so blind.
Bridge
I will lock the fear
And close myself
Behind the dark door.
Verse
Trying to memorize,
Want to change my fate.
Nobody hears this cry -
I can't even wait.
Chorus:
I will lie.
Count the days.
Alive.
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- 英語 (英國)
- 英語 (美國)
"waiting for the perfect time" may be better
"play with mind" the make sense, but i'm not sure how to edit and keep the same number of syllables
your chorus seems off, but idk how i'd edit it either.
"just so tired" might be good for the third line, but the rest i'm not sure.
"thinking back to my past"
it's got an extra syllable but "i was a loving child" would be better.
"dreamworld" instead of "dreaming"
the second chorus part has "play with mind" again, which doesn't seem right.
the rest seems good, though!!
hope this helps.
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- 俄語
@cothireni Thanks!
Please, help, can i make last chorus with this one:
"Don’t be sad.
Count the days
Ahead."
Please, help, can i make last chorus with this one:
"Don’t be sad.
Count the days
Ahead."
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